TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxury housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, town historically known for ancient tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be great. Remarkable!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed with the putting eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Several of the ideal. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and completely from place. Developed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable h2o. But Indeed, guaranteed, let us have A further location in which American Adult men can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though prior negotiations failed beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: provide All people a set on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is smooth energy," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It isn't that Trump should not open a tower in a very war zone. It really is that he really should end utilizing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the venture, replied, "You recognize, male, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Good people today. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I however have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head obvious from Room, a characteristic currently being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after finding the constructing's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It can be not merely unpleasant. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Puzzling Options


Probably the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium the place attendees might ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are unsure what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Strategy: "For those who Bomb It, They can Occur"


The advert campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is For good."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A Trump Tower Damascus the latest SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "the place's the nearest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is by now attracting interest from international traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll get a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree may also consist of:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to view a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a hotel where my PTSD may have switch-down company."


A different put up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies counsel:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to construct a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Remaining Thoughts through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It wanted gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped just like the Structure. I gave all of it a few. You are welcome."

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